Being engaged is a whole lot different than being married. Here are 7 pieces of advice for newlyweds that I wish someone had told me!

Marriage Isn’t What You See in the Movies

There are pretty much two types of husbands when it comes to marriages on TV:

  1. The cheating spouse
  2. The stupid spouse

Seriously. Think about it. Why is it that every husband on TV can’t control their sexual urges or is a doofus married to an obnoxious, eye-rolling wife?

It’s so rare that we see a healthy relationship on TV. And if most marriages are portrayed as a place where sex goes to die, or that being in love means complete infatuation, then you don’t have a realistic view of what it’s supposed to be either.

So where are the real marriages, the ones that actually make it? The ones where the honeymoon phase has worn off, but the couple genuinely still loves and enjoys one another?

On the flip side, we also don’t need any more fairy-tale relationships where everyone lives happily ever after. We all could use a few more examples of real-life relationships that have successfully weathered the storm.

There are so many views on what a good marriage should look like, but for this post, I want to talk about Christian marriages in general. My husband and I decided to skip pre-marital counseling, and I wish we hadn’t. While we have figured a few things out over our 20 years together, that time of mentorship could have saved us a few sleepless nights…

7 Pieces of Advice for Newlyweds

If you are newly-wed or engaged to be married, I highly suggest that you seek out pre-marital counseling before you tie the knot. There’s always room for growth whether you’ve been together 10 days or 10 years, and taking this first step will only help you along the way! The Bible is filled with helpful advice on how to love one another in a way that will sustain you for a lifetime, and a mentor who can guide you through real-life application can be such a blessing, especially before you get to the hard stuff in life!

With that being said, there are a few things that I wish I could go back and tell myself and my husband when we were engaged. I hope these tips are helpful for you (even if you’re past the newlywed stage!).

1. HONEYMOON BLUES ARE A THING

We had a beautiful wedding outside at an old manor in Virginia, and after a disastrous honeymoon, returned home to our newly-rented, roach-infested home in Texas.

My family was an expensive plane ride away, and our friends had graduated and moved out. I was lonely and a little panicky about the choice I had made. The parties were over, the friends were gone, and adulthood had officially kicked in. I had to get a real job and pay bills now!

After a few weeks of moping around, my poor husband asked if I was okay. He even asked if I had regretted marrying him. Of course I hadn’t, I told him, but I was confused. I felt homesick for the first time in my life. When I confided this to a few of my other married girlfriends over the phone, what they said surprised me.

“I went through that too,” they said. “Getting married is a big change and there’s so much pressure on what it’s supposed to look like.”

Why had no one ever told me this? And what can you do if you find yourself in this situation?

Take all of those unrealistic expectations and confront what’s true. This is simply another transition in your life. Most of the transitions in your life have been hard. Change is difficult, but it doesn’t have to be bad. For me, hearing that I wasn’t crazy, that these feelings of insecurity were normal, was all I needed to get out of my funk.

Which leads me to tip #2:

2. LOSING THAT LOVING FEELING DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE NOT IN LOVE

Infatuation is just that. It’s not love, it’s obsession. We’ve all been there, and it’s wonderful! To wear rose-colored glasses and think everything they do is adorable and hilarious. To think that they couldn’t be any more perfect for you…but time goes on. And those little quirks start to become irritations.

However, that doesn’t mean your marriage is over. And it doesn’t mean it won’t return.

Sometimes it means you have to work through a few things or give it time to experience that marriage truly is a rollercoaster. So is any relationship worth pursuing!

I love my husband, and I can truly say (ignore the cliche) that I am more in love with him now than I ever was before. That’s because our love is much more experienced and deeply emotional because of the things we’ve been through. We’ve gone through parenting, the dynamics of in-laws, four moves, and serious illnesses. We’ve acknowledged our flaws and confessed them to each other, but mostly, we’re committed to this relationship for the long haul.

If you’re struggling, ask God to remind you why you fell in love with your husband in the first place. He will always give you something to lean on.

3. SPEND YOUR MONEY ON MEMORIES, DON’T SAVE FOR A RAINY DAY

Before we had kids, we never went anywhere. We always felt like we didn’t have enough money to do anything. After we had kids, we really didn’t have enough money to do anything, but we needed the break and found ourselves figuring out ways to travel even on our limited budget. Think of how much nicer it would have been if we’d realized this sooner!

We could have traveled without having to worry about car seats, strollers, nap time, and moody children! While we have had many successful vacations with our kids, we missed out on a big opportunity to see things without taking care of little ones.

I highly suggest you take the trips now (and later too!) instead of waiting for the perfect time. FYI: there is no perfect timing!

4. FIND YOURSELF—GET HOBBIES & MAKE FRIENDS OUTSIDE YOUR CIRCLE

Don’t fall into the pit of becoming just “the wife”, you are your own person too! That’s what he loves about you!

What hobbies have you done in the past? Get back into them, and make friends with others who share those same passions. You will grow in confidence (which is very attractive) when you have your own things to pursue!

5. BELIEVE THE BEST ABOUT HIM—AND YOU ARE NOT HIS HOLY SPIRIT

Your husband is not perfect. And neither are you. So don’t forget to give him some grace. When he leaves a mess behind or forgets to do something he promised, believe the best. Believe that he wasn’t out to hurt you, but was simply distracted.

When you feel like he’s not helping out, believe the best. Maybe he just needs you to communicate what you need instead of thinking he doesn’t care. You don’t need to nag or correct him constantly. Instead, pray for him, and learn to work together in healthy ways.

6. SCHEDULE VACATIONS AND DATES REGULARLY

Now that the “chase” is over…it really isn’t.

Many times, we were in a rut simply because we hadn’t done anything fun together in a while. We were going to work, fixing stuff in the house, paying bills, and visiting family, while not really allowing ourselves time to reconnect.

When we have weekends at the house, it tends to be a big list of to-dos. This needs cleaning, we need to fix that…

The act of leaving the house helps you gain perspective. It’s just you and your spouse. You remember you’re a team, and the money doesn’t seem as stressful when you realize it’s well-spent.

If you’re feeling at odds with your spouse, chances are, you need to get away together, even if it’s just for a night. I suggest going on at least 1-2 dates a month and planning a night away once a season. It could be as simple as a hotel in a nearby city, or planning a week-long trip to another state. Either way, get it on the calendar!

7. IT’S OKAY TO DO THINGS BY YOURSELF—GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE

My husband loves to play music. Before we had kids, he would invite a few buddies over to “jam”. For me, it was a disruption to my quiet evening and I couldn’t wait until the last person left. I could be on the other side of the house and hear their session like it was right next to me.

One night, I decided to go to the movies. By myself.

I ordered a hotdog, nachos, and Sour Patch Kids and sat in the theater watching a movie I wanted to see. I had the space to do whatever I wanted at that moment, and it made me realize that I hadn’t been fair to him sitting there sulking until band practice was over. He hadn’t been holding me back from doing what I wanted, that was on me.

Give your spouse space to do the things he wants to do, and let him enjoy them—guilt-free, and take the opportunity to do your own thing, like going out with girlfriends to eat or getting a stomachache like I did on nachos and sour patch kids.

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If you’re feeling like marriage is no fun anymore, try a few of these small changes that reap big rewards. Marriage can be so enjoyable and I pray that you find happiness in yours too!

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